Une journée. Une journée à peu près correcte, aussitôt venue, aussitôt repartie. Au fond elle avait rien de vraiment extraordinaire cette journée. Je pourrais probablement même trouver du négatif. Mais tout de même. Ca m'a fait du bien. J'aurais juste voulu que ça continue à aller bien. Mais rien n'est éternel hein. Alors il fallait que ça cesse, et que quelque chose revienne me replonger dans la réalité. Dans la vraie vie.
Je suis en colère. C'est un euphémisme de dire ça. Je bout intérieurement. Pas une nouveauté, mais c'est différent cette fois. J'essaye pas d'en sortir. Je commence à me dire que c'est peut-être ce que je devrais faire. Ne pas être aussi gentil. Aussi tendre face aux autres. Face à cette incompréhension qui me tue à petit feu. Je prends sur moi, parce que je ne veux pas faire quelque chose que je pourrais regretter, mais peut-être que c'est la seule façon de les calmer. Je ne sais pas. Mais j'y pense. Peu importe ou ça mènera au fond, ça m'est égal. Je peux le faire, et rien d'autre n'a l'air de fonctionner, alors pourquoi pas?
Mais je pense aussi à la suite. Je pense à moi. A ce que je devrais devenir. A ce que je dois changer. J'ai un esprit tortueux, et je suis passé par de nombreux états au long de ma vie. Tantôt trop sensible, pas assez confiant, cynique, froid, calme, impulsif, etc... Je change. Je m'adapte. Je porte un masque qui correspond à ce que je veux qu'on voit, ou plutot qui cache ce que je ne veux pas que les autres voient. C'est facile. Les gens sont simples, ils ne voient que ce qu'on leur montre. Ils ne veulent pas voir plus. C'est plus simple de prendre ce qui est donné hein? Oui. Alors je leur donne juste. Une facade froide et rigide. Mais changeante. Imprévisible. Mais simple. Ca m'a aidé pendant longtemps, cette facade solide, assurée. Les gens s'y trompent. Ils aiment l'assurance. C'était une période agréable quelque part. C'est là que tout a le mieux fonctionner. J'avais des amis. Des gens qui tenaient à moi d'une certaine façon. Même si ils ne connaissaient qui j'étais.
Peut-être que c'est ça, au fond, la solution. Être quelqu'un d'autre. Leur donner quelque chose de simple, qu'ils puissent saisir. Ne pas leur donner l'océan, juste un verre d'eau, une bouteille. Une piscine.
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